Xelda: Warrior Princess?" chapter 2
by VP19
Summary: Xena and Gabrielle adjust to Sabrina's world, while the aunts and Salem--now in ancient Greece--meet Joxer.


  
  
Chapter Two  
  
  
"Where are we? How did we get here?" demanded the raven-haired woman   
atop the white steed.   
  
Hoo boy, Sabrina thought. I've got two TV stars and a horse in my living   
room. "Okay, take it easy," she muttered to herself, "you've gotten yourself out   
of worse situations--not much worse, but still..." Steeling herself for the   
worst, she spoke up. "Um, hi, Ms. Lawless...Ms. O'Connor. First off, let me just   
say that I'm a huge fan of your work."   
  
The dark-haired figure simply glared down at her. "Have we met?"   
  
"Not face to face," Sabrina answered, "but I did see you in Grease."   
  
"Where in Greece? It's a big country, and I've traveled almost every   
mile of it."   
  
The woman's redheaded companion, who had been gazing around the room in   
wonder and confusion, spoke as if oblivious to the conversation (as, indeed, she   
was). "I've never seen any place like this, Xena."   
  
The realization hit Sabrina harder than a ton of bricks--more like an   
entire factory. Uh-oh, she thought, please let this just be some kind of Method   
thing!   
  
"Well?" Xena snapped. "Speak up!"   
  
The sharpness of Xena's tone eliminated all doubt. She hadn't brought   
Lucy Lawless and Renee O'Connor from the set...she'd actually conjured the   
characters from the show!   
  
"Okay." Sabrina took a deep breath and let the words come flooding out.   
"You're here because of this spell that I was gonna use to give my aunts their   
dream vacation only something went wrong and instead of going to Barbados they   
wound up switching places with you two, um, three if you count the horse and oh   
yeah our cat's gone too and now you're here and they're there." At the end of   
her speech, Sabrina pointed to the TV set, where her aunts Hilda and Zelda were   
standing in a field of tall grass.   
  
"What is that thing?" Gabrielle asked in awe.   
  
"Uh, you've heard of crystal balls? I guess you could say this is kind   
of a crystal box."   
  
"That does look like where we just were," Gabrielle observed. "You said   
a spell? So you're an enchantress?"   
  
"More like an enchantress-in-training. Look, please believe me, I didn't   
mean for this to happen, I'll try to make it all right again. Maybe there's some   
way I can switch you back before it's too late."   
  
Gabrielle's attention was fixed upon the screen. "This...crystal box? Is   
it some kind of altar? It sounds like there's some monks chanting in there."   
  
Sabrina glanced back at the screen and recognized the production company   
logo. "Too late," she groaned.   
  
* * *  
  
In the field, Zelda was down on her knees, carefully scrutinizing the   
grass and earth. "From the looks of this soil and foliage, I'd say we were   
somewhere in New Zealand," she observed.   
  
"Kiwi country? How'd we get here?" Hilda asked.   
  
"I think I see what happened," Zelda replied thoughtfully. "Sabrina was   
so eager for us to be there for the start of our travel program...she must have   
arranged for it to transport us to Barbados when the show began. Only, something   
went wrong, and we've been sent to the set of Salem's show instead."   
  
"Okay," Salem said, "So we're halfway around the world. Not a problem.   
We can get back to Westbridge easily enough...and maybe take in some sights   
while we're here."   
  
"One thing's troubling me, though," Zelda continued, seemingly oblivious   
to Salem's comment, "if we're on that show's location, where are all the crew   
and equipment?"   
  
"Eh," Hilda said nonchalantly, "They're probably long gone. It's not   
like it was a live broadcast."   
  
"Wait!" Salem gasped. "Do you hear that?"   
  
Hilda and Zelda paused, then replied in unison: "Nooooo..."   
  
"Cat ears," Salem explained. "You'll hear it soon enough."   
  
In just a moment, Hilda and Zelda finally heard what Salem was talking   
about. Off in the distance, and approaching at a steady pace, was an off-key   
voice merrily singing.   
  
"...Righting wrongs and singing songs, being mighty all day long..."   
  
"Uh-oh," Salem muttered. "Brace yourself, gals. I don't think we're on   
the set...I think we're actually inside the show."   
  
"What makes you say that?" Hilda asked.   
  
"Well, I've heard of Method actors doing some extreme stuff...but, with   
all due respect to Ted Raimi, nobody's dedicated enough to stay in character as   
Joxer if they don't have to!"   
  
* * *  
  
"I don't understand," Gabrielle asked, "if your spell brought us here,   
don't you have another spell to send us back?"   
  
"Yeah," Sabrina groaned, "but I can't use it until tomorrow, when the   
next rerun starts. If I tried it now, I'd wind up switching you with Walker,   
Texas Ranger...and I'd never get my aunts back."   
  
Gabrielle tried to follow Sabrina's explanation and failed almost   
completely. "So..." she ventured, "it's like a portal that's only open at   
certain times?"   
  
"Right!" Sabrina exclaimed, pleased at the progress they were making.   
"And it won't be open again for another 23 hours."   
  
"In that case," Xena said as she stepped down from Argo's back, "I   
suppose we'll just have to wait."   
  
"This is going to be a long day," Sabrina muttered under her breath.   
"Excuse me, Xena?"   
  
"Yes?"   
  
"Um, I don't want to cause any offense or anything...but, oh, how do I   
put this? I don't have a stable here."   
  
"Well, where's the nearest place Argo can rest?"   
  
"Let me clarify that. We don't have any stables here in Westbridge."   
  
"No stables? That's ridiculous! Where do you keep your horses?"   
  
Sabrina's head was whirling. How could she explain the history of the   
automotive industry in terms they could understand? What should she tell them?   
Then her eyes glanced upon Salem's "cat corral."   
  
"Uh, right here!" she blurted out. I hope they buy this, she thought.   
"You see, we use magic to, uh, make them small until we need them. Much easier   
to take care of them that way. Low maintenance." All she could think was What am   
I saying?   
  
Xena paused. "That is, without a doubt, the most ridiculous thing I've   
ever heard. And I've had a lot of experience with the absurd."   
  
"No, really!" Now that she'd started this, she might as well take it all   
the way. "Look, I'll show you. I promise this won't hurt him..."   
  
"Her," Xena interrupted.   
  
"...her at all."   
  
"Well, I could use a laugh," Xena said, "but remember, if any harm   
befalls Argo..." Her hand clutched the grip of her sword.   
  
Sabrina gulped. This had better work, she thought. As she pointed at   
Argo, she chanted: "No stables to keep her, no, nothing like that, so let's   
shrink this horse to the size of a cat."   
  
A glittering swirl surrounded Argo, and the golden-white horse was   
immediately reduced to...well, what she said.   
  
Gabrielle gasped. Xena's grip grew tighter. "Argo?" Xena asked.   
  
The miniature horse whinnied in reply.   
  
"She's fine," Xena sighed in relief, releasing her sword. "You're   
lucky."   
  
"Tell me about it," Sabrina said as Argo trotted into Salem's corral.   
  
* * *  
  
"I'm telling you," Salem said, "this is real! I mean, this isn't real. I   
mean, it's fictional, but now it's...oh, I don't know what I'm telling you."   
  
"We're inside a TV show?" Zelda asked crossly.   
  
"Exactly! I'm glad I made myself clear."   
  
"Salem..." Zelda muttered between clenched teeth.   
  
"Hey, look on the bright side," Hilda interrupted in an attempt to   
mollify her sister. "It could have been worse. Salem could have been watching   
'South Park' or something."   
  
"That potty-mouthed animated show?" Zelda asked. "Please! Could you   
imagine us as cartoon characters?"   
  
"Uh-oh," Salem gasped. "Save the chit-chat for later, girls. We've got   
comic relief headed our way!"   
  
Joxer's tuneless singing grew louder.   
  
"Salem, you'd better be quiet!" Hilda urged.   
  
"Why?" Salem asked. "We're in the Xenaverse! This is a world where gods   
and magic are part of everyday life. At last, I can just be myself and be free!"   
  
At that point, Joxer sauntered over the hill and caught sight of the two   
sisters and their cat.   
  
"Good evening, ladies," Joxer bowed gallantly. He then noticed their   
confused expressions, not to mention their 20th-century casual wear. "You're not   
from around here, are you? Allow me to introduce myself...though, from the look   
of awe on your faces, I gather you've heard of me already. Yes, it's really me,   
Joxer the Mighty."   
  
"Hello...Joxer," Zelda replied courteously, hoping she'd caught the name   
correctly. "I'm Zelda Spellman, and this is my sister Hilda."   
  
"And my name is Salem Saberhagen," Salem added.   
  
"A...a talking...the cat...it...ooughh," Joxer stammered out before   
fainting. He collapsed right against Hilda, knocking her down with him.   
  
"So I was wrong," Salem shrugged.   
  
"Could somebody please help me?" Hilda groaned. "I got comic relief all   
over me!"   
  
* * *  
  
At that moment in the Spellman residence, the phone rang. Sabrina   
shrieked in surprise, while Xena and Gabrielle immediately whirled round and   
assumed defensive positions.   
  
"No need to worry," Sabrina said as she tried to regain her composure.   
"We're not under attack or anything...that's just the phone."   
  
"Phone?" Xena asked.   
  
"Yeah, it's kind of like...what do you use to send a message far away?"   
  
"A pigeon?"   
  
"Yeah, that's it. It's like a magic pigeon, except it doesn't make a   
mess on statues."   
  
As Xena and Gabrielle puzzled over this latest bizarre comparison,   
Sabrina picked up the receiver. "Spellman residence," she said. "Oh, hi,   
Valerie! No, I haven't forgotten...I'm just, uh, a little bogged down. Got some   
tough problems to figure out." She paused. "No, it's not the geometry   
homework...more like history." Another pause. "Okay, well, I'll be there as soon   
as I can!"   
  
Sabrina winced as she hung up the phone. Had she just said that she'd be   
there as soon as she could? Why hadn't she said she was feeling a little sick?   
Now there was no way of getting out of meeting Valerie at the Slicery...no way   
to leave her guests unattended...and no way of bringing them along. Unless...   
  
"That was a message from a friend of mine. I'm going to meet her for   
dinner at the Slicery...that's sort of a tavern, except they don't have any ale.   
I suppose you two must be kind of hungry, aren't you?"   
  
"Starving," Gabrielle replied.   
  
"I wouldn't mind a bite myself," Xena added.   
  
"Fine," Sabrina said. "The only thing is, there's a very strict dress   
code. Strictly casual. We'll need to get you some new outfits."   
  
"Are you telling me there's something wrong with my clothes?" Xena   
asked.   
  
"Oh, no! Not at all! It's just...the custom of our land. 'When in Rome,   
do as the Romans do' and all that."   
  
"I thought you said this place was called Westbridge," said Gabrielle.   
  
* * *  
  
"Well," said Zelda as she extricated her sister from underneath the   
fallen Joxer. "It appears we really are in ancient Greece, or at least a   
fictional facsimile. I think we'd best make an effort to blend in. We'll need to   
conjure up some new clothes."   
  
"Wait a minute!" Hilda interjected. "How do we even know our magic works   
here in 'Unpleasantville?' Let's give it a test first, before you accidentally   
ruin my new outfit!"   
  
"All right," Zelda agreed. "Something simple first." She focused her   
attention on a small white flower, pointed...and turned it purple.   
  
"Great, it works!" Hilda bubbled. "My turn." With that, she pointed at   
another white flower next to the first. In an instant, it was plaid. "I always   
had more of a flair for decorating than you."   
  
"If you're done with your art therapy," Salem muttered, "could we get on   
to the more pressing matter of wardrobe?"   
  
"For once, I agree with you," Hilda replied. With a single gesture, she   
and her sister were instantly dressed in elegant medieval finery.   
  
Zelda looked over her elaborate red dress. "You've been reading my   
Chaucer books again, haven't you?"   
  
"Only the good parts," said Hilda.  
  
"Great outfits, ladies!" Salem whooped. "Those are clothes that really   
make a statement. That statement being 'Attention highwaymen! Easy target   
here!'"   
  
"And what would you suggest?" Zelda scolded.   
  
"Well, since I'm the one who watches the show, I have a better idea of   
what fits in. We'll just use Xena and Gabrielle's outfits as templates."   
  
"And what if we run into them?" Hilda asked. "I hate it when I show up   
wearing the same thing as someone else."   
  
"Okay, so we'll make a few changes. Now let's get to it."   
  
The process went smoother than expected, despite such objections as "But   
green is not my color" and "How come you get the breastplate?" In moments, Hilda   
and Zelda were suitably dressed to fit into Xena's world. Hilda wore a modified   
version of Gabrielle's simple halter top (redone in sky blue to match her eyes)   
and skirt, redesigned with more thought to style than practicality. It had been   
all Salem could do to convince her to keep it basic, though he did allow her a   
small frill here and there. Zelda was dressed in a close approximation of Xena's   
armor, with some minor alterations to suit her sense of modesty.   
  
"Oh," Hilda whined, "I feel so...retro. I never realized how much I'd   
miss the basic necessities...like pantyhose."   
  
"Sorry, Hildy," Salem replied, "they won't be invented for another   
couple of millennia, give or take a century or two."   
  
Joxer groaned.   
  
"Uh-oh," Hilda said, "he's coming to. I'd better see if he's all right."   
  
As Hilda knelt over the supine would-be warrior, his eyes flickered   
open. Still slightly woozy, Joxer gazed at Hilda's face. "Are you an angel?" he   
asked.   
  
"An angel? Me?" Hilda giggled. "You guys say the sweetest things when   
you're semi-conscious."   
  
Joxer sat up and looked from one sister to the other, noticing their   
change of clothes. "Weren't you just...?" He shook his head. "That last batch of   
berries must've been tainted with henbane."   
  
Zelda looked from Joxer to Hilda to Salem. "Henbane?" she inquired.   
  
"I'll explain later," Salem replied.   
  
Joxer handled the sight of a talking cat better the second time around;   
he yelped but did not faint.   
  
"Easy, easy," Hilda reassured him. "Calm down...everything's all right,   
we're not here to make trouble."   
  
"I know that," Joxer replied. "I was just...testing my new battle cry. I   
think it needs a little work."   
  
"You see," Hilda continued, "my sister and I are, well, I guess you'd   
call us enchantresses."   
  
Joxer smiled. "I certainly would," he gushed.   
  
"And Salem there...he's from Egypt. Cats are worshipped as gods there,   
you know. That's why he can talk."   
  
Joxer picked himself up off the ground and walked over to the black cat,   
awestruck as he leaned in close to study this amazing phenomenon.   
  
"Wow...a god..." he murmured. "And he didn't even have to eat the   
ambrosia..."   
  
Salem's ears perked up. Ambrosia? he thought. His crafty feline brain   
started to percolate. He turned his attention to Hilda and Zelda...they had not   
reacted in the slightest to Joxer's remark. So they hadn't heard...that could   
work to his advantage.   
  
"In any case," Zelda took up the discussion, "we're strangers in this   
area, and we could use a guide. Can you recommend a good place to eat?"   
  
* * *  
  
"Okay," Sabrina muttered to herself, "I've got to get them new outfits,   
figure out what went wrong with the spell, keep them out of trouble, and make it   
so people won't wonder what Xena's doing in town. Piece of cake." She giggled   
nervously.   
  
Gabrielle had discovered the remote control, and was exploring its   
wondrous powers. Fortunately, it seemed to be functioning in a more mundane   
fashion now...she was simply channel-surfing, not conjuring up the various TV   
characters.   
  
"Oh no!" Gabrielle shrieked. "Look out!"   
  
"What? What's the matter?" Sabrina asked.   
  
"That woman on the other end of the crystal box...she's outnumbered!"   
  
Both Sabrina and Xena approached for a closer look. On the screen, a   
young blonde woman was surrounded by three sinister-looking figures. One of her   
opponents lunged at her, but she easily dodged.   
  
"Lead with the left!" Xena shouted helpfully. "His flank's exposed, you   
can take him out!"   
  
"Um, they can't hear you," Sabrina explained.   
  
"So there's nothing we can do to help?" Gabrielle gasped.   
  
"Don't worry," Sabrina reassured them, "she's not in any danger. That's   
Sarah Michelle Gellar, and she always wins these fights."   
  
"Three names?" Gabrielle asked. "She must be very important...even   
Julius Caesar only has two!"   
  
"Eh, it's not such a big deal," Sabrina shrugged. "We've got a lot of   
three-named actresses. Her, Jennifer Love Hewitt...it's nothing special."   
  
At that moment, the screen faded to black, and was replaced by an image   
of a large, steaming cheeseburger.   
  
"What happened?"   
  
"Oh, it's a commercial break...every so often, they interrupt the show   
so some merchants can tell you about their stuff."   
  
"Sounds like one of Salmoneus' schemes," Xena remarked.   
  
"Don't worry, you won't miss anything important. They plan it that way."   
  
Gabrielle shook her head. "This truly is an amazing land."   
  
After the fast-food commercial ended, the screen was occupied by a   
gray-haired, elegant lady in large black-rimmed spectacles.   
  
Of course, Sabrina thought. That's who I need to take care of one   
problem...well, her or her Other Realm counterpart.   
  
"Okay," Sabrina said, "we still need to get you some new clothes, and I   
know just who can help us."   
  
She waited until the commercial was over...she didn't want to further   
confuse them by having her on the screen and in the room at the same time, after   
all...then gestured and chanted: "Gabby and Xena need new clothes on the   
double...call Ancient Mariner to solve fashion trouble!"   
  
In an instant, the gray-haired lady appeared in the living room. She was   
unfazed by her new surroundings. "Who called for new outfits?"   
  
Sabrina answered, "I placed the call, but the outfits are for them."   
  
The old lady peered through her glasses at Xena and Gabrielle. "No need   
to worry," she assured them, "Ancient Mariner offers a wide variety of styles to   
suit any occasion." She looked Xena over from head to toe, taking stock of her   
imposing height. "For all sizes and figures," she added.   
  
"Well," Sabrina interrupted, "we just need something casual."   
  
"Casual wear is what we're all about," the Ancient Mariner lady replied   
proudly.   
  
"Fine. I'll leave you to it. If you'll excuse me, I've got to look   
something up."   
  
In her room, Sabrina consulted her spell book. "Okay, let's take another   
look and see what went wrong... 'Television magic'...ah! Here it is. 'To send   
somebody into the world of the screen, an even exchange must be made.'" She   
groaned in frustration. "I just know that fine print wasn't there before."   
  
Rapidly flipping pages, she continued muttering to herself. "Let's see,   
now to make sure they're not recognized... Here's something: 'Temporary   
Anonymity--for the celebrity who wants to go unnoticed.' That sounds like just   
the thing!" She studied the passage, then recited: "To make my companions   
persona non grata, wipe the memory of their show from this part of the strata!"   
She paused. "Is it just me, or are these spells reaching harder and harder for a   
rhyme?"   
  
Sabrina put away her spell book and returned downstairs. The Ancient   
Mariner lady was performing a few last-minute adjustments on Xena's new outfit,   
a blue vertically-striped blouse with bell-bottom pants. "Believe me, these are   
making a remarkable comeback."   
  
"Come back? You mean these aren't something you just made up?"   
  
Gabrielle stood nearby, wearing a green knee-length dress. "I like it!"   
she remarked.   
  
"But wait!" the costumer exclaimed dramatically. She reached into a small bag   
she carried with her, and pulled out a considerably larger denim bag. "The   
outfit isn't complete without the proper accessories. This Ancient Mariner purse   
is both fashionable and functional for all your needs." She held it up to Xena's   
chakram to demonstrate its usefulness as a carrying case.   
  
Having finished her adjustments, the gray-haired lady stepped back and   
appraised her work. Though she said nothing, she looked eminently satisfied.   
Then, she reached into a small bag and produced two sweaters. "And, since you're   
going out tonight, I suggest you keep warm with these stylish Ancient Mariner   
sweaters. This season, the look is fleece!"   
  
"The Golden Fleece?" Gabrielle asked in confusion. As she stepped   
forward to take the sweater, she stumbled on her new three-inch heels and fell   
against Sabrina.   
  
"Um, I think maybe we might want to sacrifice a bit of style for a touch   
of stablity," Sabrina whispered to the fashion doyenne.   
  
"At Ancient Mariner, comfort is no sacrifice at all!" she proclaimed.   
With a flourish, she reached into the bag again and pulled out an equally   
gorgeous pair of flats.   
  
"Thanks," said Gabrielle.   
  
"Think nothing of it, my dear! Remember, Ancient Mariner is here to   
serve your fashion needs. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got to be going. I'm   
due to meet some more old sitcom stars for an audition." With that, she   
disappeared in a puff of smoke.   
  
"Looking good!" Sabrina enthused as she surveyed Xena and Gabrielle.   
"Okay, I think we're all set. So...we're off to the Slicery!"   
  
DISCLAIMER: No animals were harmed in the making of this episode, although Argo   
did have to switch to a diet of miniature oats.   
  



End file.
